


Thot Ragnarok

by Poplitealqueen



Series: Indepth Analyses & Summaries of the MCU [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: In honor of me failing the fuck outta that final, Other, mcu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 12:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13007577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Poplitealqueen/pseuds/Poplitealqueen
Summary: Why even pay to see the movie when you can just read this??





	Thot Ragnarok

**Author's Note:**

> I'm fucking with you. Please go watch this movie, it was brilliant.
> 
> -Miss Pop

So the movie starts out with Thot himself re-enacting the beginning of The Emperor's New Groove although he's particularly sexy for a llama, and then the next thing we know he's face-to-face with a Big Bad that's particularly sexy for a giant sentient fire monster.

They exchange banter. Thot's comedy bone has grown three sizes bigger since he was last scene on the big screen, encapsulated by the exchange "Thot son of Odin" "Surtur son of a BITCH!" A little while after that, the hammer makes an entrance and an 80s song starts playing as while an actor named Chris in a Marvel mocie kicks ass and flies across a rocky, dead-looking planet landscape to escape his enemy and that's when you realize... Oh. It's a Guardians of the Galaxy movie.

We cut to Ass-gard after the title sequence to find that Èomer son of Èomund (or, if you prefer, alternate universe Leonard McCoy) has gone native. He's shaved his head, stuck some temporary tattoos on there, and he's showing a bunch of ladies how a some guns and a Shake Weight work.

Thot shows up, covers everything in Nickelodeon green slime, and instead of walking like a normal person, rides his hammer all the way to where Loki disguised as Odin is rewatching Dark World. Thot surprises him, he whispers "Oh shit, spoilers" and tries to play it cool. Alas, despite being an Ice Giant, he's shit at playing it cool. His identity is revealed, Thot demands to know where their father is, so Loki takes him to Earth because he decided to do what most children with aging parents do: shove them into a nursing home.

They get changed first, Thot changes his hammer into an umbrella because lmao comic references, and arrive only to find that the nursing home is being demolished.

"Oh well," Loki sighs, before he's kidnapped by Benedict Cumberbatch's magical glory hole.

"Well, oh!" Thot exclaims, before picking up the business card that the glory hole so politely left behind and going to 221B Baker Street. There he meets Benedict Cumberbatch, which is in fact a puppet being controlled by an awful attempt at an American accent. The Accent goes through the motions of its cameo, tells Thot where Odin is, doesn't bother to mention their sister even though he apparently keeps tabs on everyone dangerous in the universe, releases Loki from the glory hole, and then transports the to a Game of Thrones set.

There, staring out at the sea, is Odin. And he is dying.

"Sigh," he sighs, "I only wish they'd let me play a character on Game of Thrones. I wanted to ride a dragon and make out with Kit Harrington." Then he transforms into sparkles and Oogways out of there and evil Galadriel shows up immediately after.

She breaks Thot's hammer, declares herself Queen of Middle Earth, but just as she's about to kill them Loki summons the Rainbow Road from Super Mario to take them home. Evil Galadriel follows, and in the classic asshole big sibling way, smacks them off the Rainbow Road and wins gold.

Loki ends up on Jeff Goldblum's crotch, and Thot ends up in colorful garbage. They eventually cross paths once more, except now Thot made "friends" with a fellow displaced Ass-gardian who apparently doesn't have a name and also made his way through a Willy Wonka tunnel scene, which raises far too many questions. Has Jeff Goldblum seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Did he inspire Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Was the writer of the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie secretly an alien that used to live on the trash planet? Did Jeff Goldblum write Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?!

Anyways, 

Thot angrily declares that HE is the thot of the family, not Loki, and should be the one sleeping with Jeff Goldblum. Jeff Goldblum DJs for five seconds and then sends Thot downstairs to fight his champion in response. While waiting to fight this mysterious champion, Thot meets Taika Waititi who, like others from the strange land of New Zealand, is literally made of sentient rocks and insanely sweet.

Thot cries while Stan Lee cuts his hair, and then he's in the arena. The battleground in awash with light, millions of fans scream in the seats high above, and just when the suspense can't build any higher, the Hulk appears and you remember that they already fucking spoiled this reveal in like the first trailer, what the fuck.

So while you're still reeling over the loss over what should have been an awesome reveal, Thot gets his ass handed to him by Hulk and wakes up in Hulk ' s condo. Hulk is chilling out naked in a hottub, but comes out long enough to point out that the plane he used to get to trash planet (even though in Age of Ultron they said it crashed outside of Singapore or something????) is right downstairs.

Thot needs a moment to recuperate, because seeing Hulk ' s giant green dick is apparently the type of experience one doesn't recover from quickly, but then he's like OKAY let's GO!!

About half an hour of shenanigans pass, at which point a Valkyrie named Valkyrie and Loki decide they want to help, and also Bruce comes back just to be the butt of everyone's jokes (because, haHAha, why not?! Can't have a Marvel movie without a character that doesn't deserve it getting crapped on) and they fly through a giant space anus to get to Ass-guard.

Stuff happens. Lots of stuff. The third act of this movie is filled with so many things happening. It's a Marvel movie, so obviously a city has to get demolished -- in this case, it was Ass-gard. Thot cosplays Carl from The Walking Dead and develops total control of thunder. Hulk punches the apocalypse. Valkyrie kicks some ass. Éomer dies valiantly shooting at evil Galadriel and her undead minions with a pair of guns he got off of Earth. Bruce is, of fucking course, a joke until he turns into the Hulk and beats up a giant wolf. Heimdall is there being a better king for the Ass guardians then any of the royal family ever was, but does anyone thank him? No. 

But things work out, mostly. Ass-gard explodes, but the Ass guardians are safe on a giant ship from trash planet (which doesn't look like it could fit an entire sprawling city's worth of people, but maybe it was built by Time Lords or something) and they're flying through space heading towards Earth (because oh boy, what better place for a displaced people looking for safety then Earth??? We have SUCH a great track record with immigrants, after all) and everything is a'okay.

And that's the movie.

Then you sit through ten minutes of credits because you're pussy-whipped by the Marvel franchise and WHADDYA KNOW! THERE'S THANOS'S SHIP RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM. Thanks for the warning, Heimdall. (This is what happens when you don't thank people).

**Author's Note:**

> Watch me do this for all the Marvel movies. Warning for bleeding out of multiple facial orifices as a result.


End file.
